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Gender Jokes

Morning Wood


(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally

walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's

washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.

Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever

hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,

start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so

I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is

that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go

into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,

take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still

manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his

left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya

those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no

longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am

required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this

is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the

toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked

toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot

to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,

but because you and I have become such good friends and you

think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you

because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be

understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous

desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds

with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that

thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,

if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the

wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women

insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat

covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So

that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat

and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that

perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the

guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get

the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You

jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat

stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that

compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning

that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack

off your


So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's

just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning

situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.

She said, "sit down like I told you to do

all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the

toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,

and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath

towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you

are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the

toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from

the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top

of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it

runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching

fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of

the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this

morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman

position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal

of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but

it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl

during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally

to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and

bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just

get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a


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